The Miracle of Life (and other interesting smells)

Welcome back gang! I say gang strictly in a Fred from Scooby-Doo type manner, rest assured I don't actually plan on wearing matching colors and shooting people. Unless we are talking about furries, in which case I say saddle up.

I've recently come to confront my fear of babies. In the past I avoided babies for the same reason I avoided the elderly. They are both subdivisions of humanity which like to make noises I don't remotely understand, they never remember you the next time you see them, and both seem to be made out of gelatinous mushy material. Also neither of these groups believes in singular bodily functions. I witnessed my 99-year old great grandma cough, burp, snort, and fart all at the same time. I was horrified and impressed all at once, and think I will probably practice this maneuver some day when I am retired.

Now in the past these things were of no concern to me as I was never a baby as far as I can remember (and I think I would remember being one of those thank you very much), and by the time I'm 99 I plan on having no idea who or where I am. Besides that I've been in a fraternity for the last 4 years or so, and I never had to hold or be around babies in there, or for that matter help the elderly. Using two hands to do anything in a fraternity leaves you wide open for your bros to give you a sack-tap.

I did overcome my fear of babies, as my sister had a baby recently, which I actually enjoy hanging out with. This is a complete 180 from the last baby I was near, a hellish creature which belonged to the woman on my flight back from Costa Rica and wouldn't be quiet until we ritually sacrificed a goat. Like I said though I can actually stand this new baby, there must be some genetic code that lets my sister's kid cry in a tone that makes me not want to throw it.

I can already tell this baby is going places. The other day before an outing to Cheesecake Factory and Gameworks I stopped by and visited with the little turd, who is 6-7 weeks old. I shared a precious moment with my nephew, said "how are you little guy." He responded by staring at me quizzically for about three seconds, before he loudly soiled himself. Now I don't know about you, but I have yet to tune my own colon to such perfect comedic timing. Hell George Carlin himself didn't have this kind of timing. Of course I would expect nothing less of my nephew. My whole family is genetically classy.

 There was another instance wherein my "bro-in-law" CJ said "Chase (baby's name), share your words of wisdom with me" and he responded in the exact same way. I'm telling you if I could mess my pants with the deft timing of this baby I would probably be some kind of millionaire and women would be swarming at my doorstep. After some thought I have decided that there is no question which can't be awesomely answered with a blank stare and a loud bowel movement. For example:

"Mr. Bonzer what do you bring to the table professionally should we decide to hire you"
(insert blank stare and bowel movement)
"Is this relationship going anywhere? Are we going to get married some day?"
(insert blank stare and bowel movement)
"Dad, can we go outside and play some catch?"
(you get the idea)

One other thing, why do babies seem to smile every time they fart? Everyone tells me it's because they are relieved from gas pains but I think it goes deeper. I think that fart humor is also genetically programmed into us, and in fact farting is a baby's way of making a joke before they can speak. I never said it was a great joke, but hey nobody is Jerry Seinfeld two weeks out of the womb.

You're all a bunch of bastards!

~Taylor Bonzer.

P.S.

Stayed tuned on Thursday for Taylor Bonzer Fun Time Gameblog 2011, where I will cover my recent repeat playthrough of Final Fantasy X. No I did not leave off any Roman Numerals, I'm actually talking about the game that came out in 2001. You thought I was going to cover newer games and inform you on possible spending choices?  Keep dreaming.