First Degree Mischief

Hi Everyone! And by everyone I don't literally mean everyone, because I don't think everyone reads this yet. I have five followers now, which is pretty exciting, and an important step on my path to conquering the internet. It may not be a very fast-paced path, but do you know how many people use the internet? Literally hundreds.

Anyways it has recently come to my attention that it is possible to be charged with and go to prison for First Degree Mischief. What must one do to be charged with this you ask? Well vandalism and murder of public foliage will merit the conviction. Apparently there was this guy, Harvey Almorn Updyke who called into a radio show and confessed to what would seem to be a fit of passion for his sports team of choice wherein the man drove thirty miles to a campus in Alabama where he callously slew two oak trees. No, it wasn't with an axe, he dug into the base of the trees and poisoned with a list of mixed chemicals which I honestly  tried to read and then got bored. That's just how serial killers work guys, they kill people with axes and trees with poison. It's eccentric.

What we learn from this is change your last name to something other than Updyke if you don't want your children to be sociopaths. You may just find them in your flower garden pouring antifreeze on your rose bushes. It's also funny how criminals are caught at times from either returning to the scene of the crime or bragging about the crime. I mean this would have to be a confession though, to return to the scene of that crime you'd have to be nuts.

But anyways, if I have to be charged with any crime one day I hope it is first degree mischief. It sounds like something from the 30s. Maybe while I'm at it I'll get my sentence extended for a Second Degree charge of Bamboozling an Officer of the Law, or a Fourth Degree charge of Ill-Spirited Shenanigans.

I also figured I'd tell another story about my work with Labor Ready since everyone enjoyed that first one so much. I regret to say Pappy did not and has not returned to the job site for what would seem like obvious reasons. Perhaps he ate some bad porcupine. He was replaced by another old guy however. This "new" old guy actually lifts things, and as an added bonus he dresses like a pirate. The first day on we were moving beds into another barracks when he taught me to construct a series of ramps into the building. At first I thought he gave me these instructions because he was old and wise but as the day went on and we didn't use the ramps I began to suspect it was because he was homeless and drunk. My suspicions were confirmed when A) I got a good wiff of him, and B) When I drove him back to his "home" Wednesday and he instructed me to pull over on the freeway to let him  off at exit 125 of the I-5, which is was positioned next to a very cosy looking bridge with another panhandler hanging out inside.

Besides the pirate there's  this guy who smells like stale farts and complains about his child support payment every other sentence and can't wait until his children are finally 18. He also mentioned that his brother was on "Cops" once, and no his brother isn't a police officer. There has to already be a Jeff Foxworthy joke about this...

And to top it all off, on Wednesday morning when I stopped in to get on base with a day-pass one of my co-workers riding in a different car was arrested. You see they do a security check before letting you onto an armed forces compound, go figure, and this guy had a DUI, plus an outstanding warrant for his arrest. So what better place to go to work than an Army Base. Although I have to say the biggest mistake he made was standing still while they arrested him, because anybody who has played Grand Theft Auto knows that as soon as they're onto you your best bet is to run until you find one of those helicopters that fires missiles, or maybe a jet, and blast your way to the countryside. And if that didn't get him charged with First Degree Mischief I don't know what would.

You're all a bunch of bastards!

~Taylor Bonzerhttp://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b131/Bonzai9/1269283246394.jpg

Gamers Log: Final Fantasy X

Disclaimer: This post is about nerd things, like black mages and aeons and moogles (no not muggles). If you don't know what any of these things are, then I can't be held responsible if you suddenly have an urge to track me down, break my glasses and give me a swirly. This post could very well ensure I never speak to a female again. Seriously though, the humor caters to those who are more avid gamers... sorry.(end disclaimer)

I'm gonna start the maiden voyage of my game blog by saying this: I have never sold a video game back to a store in my life, no matter how much I didn't enjoy it. Seriously I still have a copy of "Unlimited Saga" for PS2 that I never played more than 5 minutes because it was such a turd of a game. I never sell these games partly because I'm paranoid I'm going to want to play it again, and also partly because I feel like they're gouging me by paying ten bucks for a game they're gonna sell for 40 or 50 bucks. The main reason though, is that I'm a huge sucker for nostalgia, and whether it's pathetic or not video games were by far the most influential media of my youth, more than books, music or movies or anything. It's not exactly a funny intro, but I have to explain where I stand before I begin to roast all of these ol' classics for shits and giggles. On to Final Fantasy X.

As much as I wish things will change I might have to start calling Final Fantasy X "The Last Great Final Fantasy." Not that entries such as XII and XIII didn't have their merits, but this was the last FF I could enjoy all the way through without having to punch myself in the head about certain aspects.

Final Fantasy X takes place in a world called Spira. It is called spira because pretty much every interactive element is a damn sphere. Spira isn't exactly the most happening place, most of the towns are little villages and huts surrounded by great technological civilizations of old. The hobbies of the residents of this magical world include praying at temples, shunning technology, chasing heretics, and getting crushed by giant sea monsters.  Another shining characteristics of this world is that none of the men seem to want to wear shirts that cover up more than 30% of their chests. For that matter many of the women avoid it too, even in arctic climates. This seems problematic when you live in a world where wild vicious animals attack you on every path between villages, or any time you get into the water, or any time you hang out in groups larger than five people. The main character wears something that looks like a gay biker's vest with a hoodie on the back, followed by overalls with the leg on one side half cut off. Almost all the male characters are dressed in a ridiculous manner, and I'm thinking somebody on the character design team for Squaresoft must have been on some huge anti-symmetry crusade.

The one actual source of entertainment in this world is an underwater soccer/football/water-polo chimera called "Blitzball" which is played underwater. For unexplained reasons they can all hold their breath whilst tackling people and throwing things underwater. Completely submerged. For spans of at least five minutes at a time.

The plot of this game is that the main character is this guy from a machine city of 1000 years ago and he goes to the future (where everyone lives in huts). Now there is this huge monster that's killing everyone named Sin, and in order to stop this monster the virtuous summoner must sacrifice their life to defeat it, saving the ignorant masses from death. Is this blatant biblical allegory? I don't give a damn as long as the representation of Sin breathes lasers the and Jesus figure can summon lightning horses, sexy ice women, and dragons out of the sky (that also breathe lasers). There's much more religious commentary on that, and I'd talk about it but I'd much rather chew on tin foil.

Speaking of summoning sexy ice women, I had a blast this time through my game by taking the epically named Aeons that you summon in combat and giving them the most un-epic names I could think of. Thanks to me Spira is now filled with ridiculous deities such as "Betty the Ice Goddess" and "Jeff, King of the Dragons." Other cast members include the mighty Fire Demon known fondly as "Big Jim", a mighty mercenary samurai named "Walter" and a Mad-Eyed scaly harbinger of death named "Perry"

So now that I've given you the info I'm gonna say why I think this was the last great final fantasy. For one, there weren't any characters that I absolutely couldn't stand, and they all had a reason for being there.. The big lion dude Kimahri was pretty useless in combat, but still functioned just fine as a supporting character. There were alot of complaints about the main character Tidus that I remember. Yes, he is sort of whiny, and yes, his voice does crack, but at least he isn't a mopey emo tool, or a bitch. Sure he had some daddy issues, but Tidus totally made out with a girl, which gave me something to strive for when I first played the game at 12 years old.

Also this time through the game Tidus seems to have something going on the side with Lulu, as she is the one who tosses my blitzballs when I'm in overdrive mode.

(seriously though)

I'm gonna cut this off now, most of the rest of what I have to say fits under the "back in my day blah blah blah" category, maybe I'll get into comparing this to other FF games later.

You're all a bunch of bastards!

~Taylor Bonzer

The Miracle of Life (and other interesting smells)

Welcome back gang! I say gang strictly in a Fred from Scooby-Doo type manner, rest assured I don't actually plan on wearing matching colors and shooting people. Unless we are talking about furries, in which case I say saddle up.

I've recently come to confront my fear of babies. In the past I avoided babies for the same reason I avoided the elderly. They are both subdivisions of humanity which like to make noises I don't remotely understand, they never remember you the next time you see them, and both seem to be made out of gelatinous mushy material. Also neither of these groups believes in singular bodily functions. I witnessed my 99-year old great grandma cough, burp, snort, and fart all at the same time. I was horrified and impressed all at once, and think I will probably practice this maneuver some day when I am retired.

Now in the past these things were of no concern to me as I was never a baby as far as I can remember (and I think I would remember being one of those thank you very much), and by the time I'm 99 I plan on having no idea who or where I am. Besides that I've been in a fraternity for the last 4 years or so, and I never had to hold or be around babies in there, or for that matter help the elderly. Using two hands to do anything in a fraternity leaves you wide open for your bros to give you a sack-tap.

I did overcome my fear of babies, as my sister had a baby recently, which I actually enjoy hanging out with. This is a complete 180 from the last baby I was near, a hellish creature which belonged to the woman on my flight back from Costa Rica and wouldn't be quiet until we ritually sacrificed a goat. Like I said though I can actually stand this new baby, there must be some genetic code that lets my sister's kid cry in a tone that makes me not want to throw it.

I can already tell this baby is going places. The other day before an outing to Cheesecake Factory and Gameworks I stopped by and visited with the little turd, who is 6-7 weeks old. I shared a precious moment with my nephew, said "how are you little guy." He responded by staring at me quizzically for about three seconds, before he loudly soiled himself. Now I don't know about you, but I have yet to tune my own colon to such perfect comedic timing. Hell George Carlin himself didn't have this kind of timing. Of course I would expect nothing less of my nephew. My whole family is genetically classy.

 There was another instance wherein my "bro-in-law" CJ said "Chase (baby's name), share your words of wisdom with me" and he responded in the exact same way. I'm telling you if I could mess my pants with the deft timing of this baby I would probably be some kind of millionaire and women would be swarming at my doorstep. After some thought I have decided that there is no question which can't be awesomely answered with a blank stare and a loud bowel movement. For example:

"Mr. Bonzer what do you bring to the table professionally should we decide to hire you"
(insert blank stare and bowel movement)
"Is this relationship going anywhere? Are we going to get married some day?"
(insert blank stare and bowel movement)
"Dad, can we go outside and play some catch?"
(you get the idea)

One other thing, why do babies seem to smile every time they fart? Everyone tells me it's because they are relieved from gas pains but I think it goes deeper. I think that fart humor is also genetically programmed into us, and in fact farting is a baby's way of making a joke before they can speak. I never said it was a great joke, but hey nobody is Jerry Seinfeld two weeks out of the womb.

You're all a bunch of bastards!

~Taylor Bonzer.

P.S.

Stayed tuned on Thursday for Taylor Bonzer Fun Time Gameblog 2011, where I will cover my recent repeat playthrough of Final Fantasy X. No I did not leave off any Roman Numerals, I'm actually talking about the game that came out in 2001. You thought I was going to cover newer games and inform you on possible spending choices?  Keep dreaming.

Blog #2: Actually a Blog.

Well here comes blog #2, It's 8:00 in the morning and I was woken up at 6:30 by a call from Labor Ready asking if I wanted to drive a bunch of mooks to an Air Force base to haul and assemble heavy-ass furniture. Yes, Labor Ready is that organization which provides manual labor for crack addicts and other people who are seemingly unemployable. Actually normally I would have taken the job but I have an interview today for an actual job, but I do have to share the highlights of the enchanting experience which was my last outing with the labor ready crew. Besides, I can't get back to sleep because of my 13-year-old dog that likes to snore.

1. My "Crew" of lovable buffoons included a 19 year old with two children, a 58 year old free-mason, and a man who went simply by "Six-Toes" (age unknown). What happened to the other four toes is total guess-work.

2. We started out by doing nothing for about 2 hours, which was okay in my book, however 58 year old freemason, let's just call him "Pappy" decided to get into the subject with another of the workers of eating "Porcupine Stew" while working in Alaska (and no this isn't a euphamism). Now call me an ignorant city boy but I was not able to stand by this conversation for too long without saying "Why the hell are you cooking goddamn porcupines." Pappy insisted that it was okay, because porcupine tastes just like rabbit, to which I replied "Then why don't you just kill a freakin rabbit, that is at least somewhat socially acceptable."

When he got down to it, it was apparently because porcupines are in fact very easy to outsmart as opposed to the cunning geniuses that rabbits are. Supposedly they (the porcupines) would just come and chew on the side of his house, then he would shoot them. It is my honest opinion that if you can't outsmart a rabbit you shouldn't be roughing it in the wilderness.

3. Eventually the big truck showed up with our crap-to-move, which was bed posts coupled with 250 lb iron bunk bed matress holders that had storage space underneath the mattress, it was made painfully obvious that none of my crew was physically capable of lifting things. Six-Toes was good for a couple trips in before he decided he would divert his attention to telling the forklift guy what to do. Pappy tried, bless his old bastard of a soul, but I didn't want to risk losing anyone on my crew so I let him hang around and tell me how me and 19 year old dude how we should move each of the 120 frames inside. And of course the mattresses were assembled horizontally on the ground, so once we were done we had to lift the now (literally) 500 lb bunk beds off the ground. It was easy once my arms got numb. Oh and the guy in charge didn't inform me until afterwards that he actually wanted four people lifting those beds upright.

4. The highlight of the day was on lunch break when Pappy sat in the back of my station wagon, and Six-Toes got into the passenger seat in front of him with his hood up. Pappy then proceeded to say "What's with that Mexican or Hispanic jackass? (referring to Six-Toes if you didn't catch on) That guy is useless as tits on a bull!" I replied by awkwardly staring from one party to the other for the rest of what seemed to be my life.

So anyways, I regret to say that's what I'm missing out on today, instead I'm traveling south to my hometown to see if I can procure the same job I worked when I was 16 years old, at a zoo. Go ahead an make all your jokes about which exhibit I was occupying.

You're all a bunch of bastards!

~Taylor Bonzer

Bonzer 101: I Don't Really Blogs

Hey! Welcome to my first blog, this is the blog where I blog about my future blogs and themes which will occur and re-occur within said future blogs.

I'm new to blogging and even wince slightly at the mention of the word, because A) I've been too lazy in the past to muster up the funny on a weekly basis and B) I've associated blogs in the past to only for "blow-hards" who think their life is important enough to be published. I will say right now I expect you to view my opinion (and my way of life) as highly irrelevant and constantly misguided by shenanigans. I do hope however to provide a few laughs, or "lulz" if you will.

I would like to begin by solemnly swearing not to talk about anything important. Namely Politics and Religion. I mean really, that's what the rest of your life is for, probably not the time you spend on the internet, and certainly not the time you spend on the internet with me. Following up on that, should any comments end up on this blog of the "important" nature, you better hope they aren't yours. If they are I'm going to find out where you live and put snakes in your mailbox. Should any of these subjects be breached by me or you they should be brought up in a highly inappropriate and ultimately silly manner. 

Well hopefully you've laughed by now, at least on the inside. No? I thought for sure the snakes-in-your-mailbox bit would do it... Well anyways I'll leave you with my sign off.

You're all a bunch of bastards!

~Taylor Bonzer