Gamers Log: Final Fantasy X

Disclaimer: This post is about nerd things, like black mages and aeons and moogles (no not muggles). If you don't know what any of these things are, then I can't be held responsible if you suddenly have an urge to track me down, break my glasses and give me a swirly. This post could very well ensure I never speak to a female again. Seriously though, the humor caters to those who are more avid gamers... sorry.(end disclaimer)

I'm gonna start the maiden voyage of my game blog by saying this: I have never sold a video game back to a store in my life, no matter how much I didn't enjoy it. Seriously I still have a copy of "Unlimited Saga" for PS2 that I never played more than 5 minutes because it was such a turd of a game. I never sell these games partly because I'm paranoid I'm going to want to play it again, and also partly because I feel like they're gouging me by paying ten bucks for a game they're gonna sell for 40 or 50 bucks. The main reason though, is that I'm a huge sucker for nostalgia, and whether it's pathetic or not video games were by far the most influential media of my youth, more than books, music or movies or anything. It's not exactly a funny intro, but I have to explain where I stand before I begin to roast all of these ol' classics for shits and giggles. On to Final Fantasy X.

As much as I wish things will change I might have to start calling Final Fantasy X "The Last Great Final Fantasy." Not that entries such as XII and XIII didn't have their merits, but this was the last FF I could enjoy all the way through without having to punch myself in the head about certain aspects.

Final Fantasy X takes place in a world called Spira. It is called spira because pretty much every interactive element is a damn sphere. Spira isn't exactly the most happening place, most of the towns are little villages and huts surrounded by great technological civilizations of old. The hobbies of the residents of this magical world include praying at temples, shunning technology, chasing heretics, and getting crushed by giant sea monsters.  Another shining characteristics of this world is that none of the men seem to want to wear shirts that cover up more than 30% of their chests. For that matter many of the women avoid it too, even in arctic climates. This seems problematic when you live in a world where wild vicious animals attack you on every path between villages, or any time you get into the water, or any time you hang out in groups larger than five people. The main character wears something that looks like a gay biker's vest with a hoodie on the back, followed by overalls with the leg on one side half cut off. Almost all the male characters are dressed in a ridiculous manner, and I'm thinking somebody on the character design team for Squaresoft must have been on some huge anti-symmetry crusade.

The one actual source of entertainment in this world is an underwater soccer/football/water-polo chimera called "Blitzball" which is played underwater. For unexplained reasons they can all hold their breath whilst tackling people and throwing things underwater. Completely submerged. For spans of at least five minutes at a time.

The plot of this game is that the main character is this guy from a machine city of 1000 years ago and he goes to the future (where everyone lives in huts). Now there is this huge monster that's killing everyone named Sin, and in order to stop this monster the virtuous summoner must sacrifice their life to defeat it, saving the ignorant masses from death. Is this blatant biblical allegory? I don't give a damn as long as the representation of Sin breathes lasers the and Jesus figure can summon lightning horses, sexy ice women, and dragons out of the sky (that also breathe lasers). There's much more religious commentary on that, and I'd talk about it but I'd much rather chew on tin foil.

Speaking of summoning sexy ice women, I had a blast this time through my game by taking the epically named Aeons that you summon in combat and giving them the most un-epic names I could think of. Thanks to me Spira is now filled with ridiculous deities such as "Betty the Ice Goddess" and "Jeff, King of the Dragons." Other cast members include the mighty Fire Demon known fondly as "Big Jim", a mighty mercenary samurai named "Walter" and a Mad-Eyed scaly harbinger of death named "Perry"

So now that I've given you the info I'm gonna say why I think this was the last great final fantasy. For one, there weren't any characters that I absolutely couldn't stand, and they all had a reason for being there.. The big lion dude Kimahri was pretty useless in combat, but still functioned just fine as a supporting character. There were alot of complaints about the main character Tidus that I remember. Yes, he is sort of whiny, and yes, his voice does crack, but at least he isn't a mopey emo tool, or a bitch. Sure he had some daddy issues, but Tidus totally made out with a girl, which gave me something to strive for when I first played the game at 12 years old.

Also this time through the game Tidus seems to have something going on the side with Lulu, as she is the one who tosses my blitzballs when I'm in overdrive mode.

(seriously though)

I'm gonna cut this off now, most of the rest of what I have to say fits under the "back in my day blah blah blah" category, maybe I'll get into comparing this to other FF games later.

You're all a bunch of bastards!

~Taylor Bonzer