Anyways it has recently come to my attention that it is possible to be charged with and go to prison for First Degree Mischief. What must one do to be charged with this you ask? Well vandalism and murder of public foliage will merit the conviction. Apparently there was this guy, Harvey Almorn Updyke who called into a radio show and confessed to what would seem to be a fit of passion for his sports team of choice wherein the man drove thirty miles to a campus in Alabama where he callously slew two oak trees. No, it wasn't with an axe, he dug into the base of the trees and poisoned with a list of mixed chemicals which I honestly tried to read and then got bored. That's just how serial killers work guys, they kill people with axes and trees with poison. It's eccentric.
What we learn from this is change your last name to something other than Updyke if you don't want your children to be sociopaths. You may just find them in your flower garden pouring antifreeze on your rose bushes. It's also funny how criminals are caught at times from either returning to the scene of the crime or bragging about the crime. I mean this would have to be a confession though, to return to the scene of that crime you'd have to be nuts.
But anyways, if I have to be charged with any crime one day I hope it is first degree mischief. It sounds like something from the 30s. Maybe while I'm at it I'll get my sentence extended for a Second Degree charge of Bamboozling an Officer of the Law, or a Fourth Degree charge of Ill-Spirited Shenanigans.
I also figured I'd tell another story about my work with Labor Ready since everyone enjoyed that first one so much. I regret to say Pappy did not and has not returned to the job site for what would seem like obvious reasons. Perhaps he ate some bad porcupine. He was replaced by another old guy however. This "new" old guy actually lifts things, and as an added bonus he dresses like a pirate. The first day on we were moving beds into another barracks when he taught me to construct a series of ramps into the building. At first I thought he gave me these instructions because he was old and wise but as the day went on and we didn't use the ramps I began to suspect it was because he was homeless and drunk. My suspicions were confirmed when A) I got a good wiff of him, and B) When I drove him back to his "home" Wednesday and he instructed me to pull over on the freeway to let him off at exit 125 of the I-5, which is was positioned next to a very cosy looking bridge with another panhandler hanging out inside.
Besides the pirate there's this guy who smells like stale farts and complains about his child support payment every other sentence and can't wait until his children are finally 18. He also mentioned that his brother was on "Cops" once, and no his brother isn't a police officer. There has to already be a Jeff Foxworthy joke about this...
And to top it all off, on Wednesday morning when I stopped in to get on base with a day-pass one of my co-workers riding in a different car was arrested. You see they do a security check before letting you onto an armed forces compound, go figure, and this guy had a DUI, plus an outstanding warrant for his arrest. So what better place to go to work than an Army Base. Although I have to say the biggest mistake he made was standing still while they arrested him, because anybody who has played Grand Theft Auto knows that as soon as they're onto you your best bet is to run until you find one of those helicopters that fires missiles, or maybe a jet, and blast your way to the countryside. And if that didn't get him charged with First Degree Mischief I don't know what would.
You're all a bunch of bastards!
~Taylor Bonzerhttp://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b131/Bonzai9/1269283246394.jpg
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